Lessons in Adjusting Your Conflict Lens

Lessons in Adjusting Your Conflict Lens

It is a skill set all by itself - the ability to see a variety of possible intentions from people’s actions.

Life has led us to have a fairly immediate first take - for some of us we see and interpret other people’s actions through rose-colored lenses. Some of us see the darker side or the skeptical perspective.

Here’s the problem - we look at a behavior, usually, and make assessments about motivation and attitude.

It’s pretty hard to know the sum total of someone’s heart by their actions. We can make good guesses, but they are just that, guesses.

Cross-cultural communication gives us wonderful glimpses in to how wrong we can be when using behavior to make assumptions about core values, motivations and thinking.

Even patterns that we see in someone else that lead us to feel justified in drawing the conclusions that we do, are still often built on the assumptions that we are making. The thing about assumptions is that we don’t usually know we are making them, obviously.

So, what are the options?

1. First, obviously, whenever possible, an open conversation where the parties concerned have a chance to explain, elaborate, etc. is ideal. If you are initiating this kind of conversation, then come with an open mind and a determination to look deeper, below the surface for other motivations, insecurities, different thinking and reasoning.

2. Secondly, take time to simply brainstorm a variety of reasons why someone might be behaving the way they are. Whichever end of the spectrum you tend towards, try to come up with at least 5 possible scenarios that explain that person’s behavior. It’s okay if some of these are ludicrous, that can actually help too.

3. Acknowledge to yourself, and anyone else in the discussion, what your frequent bias is. (I tend to see the best in people and so have to work at acknowledging that sometimes motivations are self-serving or self-protecting.)

4. Work more for solutions on how to move forward versus detangling who to blame and why. Sometimes digging really deep on motivations is not even necessary. So long as you can all agree on how to move forward productively you may be able to just assume the best of each other, expecting creative solutions for moving forward.

5. Instead of seeing the other party as your opponent, being able to use language that discusses the barrier as it’s own entity goes a long way. When you can stop seeing the other person’s behavior as the problem and instead see the result of shared behavior as the issue then you can put your heads together to solve it.

When we partner with the person who thinks differently than we do when working towards a solution we get much more creative and effective strategies!

Who might you be seeing through lenses that are not giving you enough clarity?

Where are the frustrating blocks in work flow that could be improved by some shared brainstorming?

Until next time,


Marilyn Orr, MA, CEC, PCC is an Executive and Leadership Coach with Capacity Building Coaching, holding her Professional Certified Coach designation with the International Coach Federation.

Marilyn provides professional coaching for executive and business leaders, mentor coaching for coaches, and leadership development support in the form of coaching skills training and soft-skills development.

Marilyn is author of everyday resiliency workbook “How Absorbent Are Your Shocks?”, available on Amazon. Subscribe to “Marilyn’s Musings” twice monthly blogposts for more leadership and professional development content.

57 comments (Add your own)

1. wrote:
Hello! I understand this is somewhat off-topic
but I needed to ask. Does running a well-established blog like yours take a lot of work?

I am completely new to writing a blog however I do write in my diary every
day. I'd like to start a blog so I can share my own experience
and thoughts online. Please let me know if you have
any recommendations or tips for brand new aspiring bloggers.

Wed, May 8, 2019 @ 2:17 AM

2. wrote:
Hi, I do think your blog could possibly be having internet browser compatibility
problems. When I take a look at your website in Safari, it looks fine but when opening in Internet
Explorer, it has some overlapping issues. I just wanted to provide you with a quick heads up!
Besides that, great site!

Fri, May 10, 2019 @ 3:30 PM

3. wrote:
Hey very interesting blog!

Tue, May 14, 2019 @ 9:33 PM

4. wrote:
I do not know whether it's just me or if everyone else encountering issues with your website.
It appears as if some of the text in your content are running off
the screen. Can someone else please provide feedback and let me
know if this is happening to them as well? This may be a problem with my internet browser because I've had this
happen previously. Appreciate it

Thu, May 16, 2019 @ 10:04 AM

5. wrote:
Hi there, everything is going perfectly here and ofcourse
every one is sharing information, that's in fact
good, keep up writing.

Sun, June 23, 2019 @ 3:16 AM

6. wrote:
Fabulous, what a web site it is! This web site presents helpful information to us, keep it up.

pof natalielise

Mon, July 22, 2019 @ 2:15 PM

7. wrote:
Hi there, just became alert to your blog through Google, and
found that it is truly informative. I'm going to watch
out for brussels. I'll appreciate if you continue this in future.
Many people will be benefited from your writing.

Wed, July 31, 2019 @ 5:53 AM

8. wrote:
Hello there, I discovered your site by way of Google while searching for a related topic,
your website got here up, it seems great. I have bookmarked it in my
google bookmarks.
Hi there, just changed into alert to your weblog thru Google, and located that it is really informative.
I'm gonna be careful for brussels. I will appreciate should you proceed this in future.

A lot of other people will probably be benefited from your writing.

Sat, September 7, 2019 @ 8:10 AM

9. wrote:
You've made some good points there. I looked on the internet for additional information about the issue and found
most people will go along with your views on this web site.

Mon, September 16, 2019 @ 3:44 PM

10. wrote:
When someone writes an paragraph he/she keeps the image of a user in his/her brain that how a user can understand
it. So that's why this piece of writing is outstdanding.

Sun, September 22, 2019 @ 10:05 PM

11. wrote:
hello there and thank you for your information – I've certainly picked
up anything new from right here. I did however expertise several technical issues using this site, since
I experienced to reload the site lots of times previous to I could get it to load properly.
I had been wondering if your hosting is OK? Not that I am complaining, but sluggish loading instances times will often affect
your placement in google and can damage your high quality score if advertising and marketing with Adwords.

Anyway I'm adding this RSS to my email and could look out for
a lot more of your respective intriguing content.

Ensure that you update this again soon.

Wed, October 9, 2019 @ 10:50 AM

12. wrote:
I'm curious to find out what blog platform you're using?
I'm experiencing some minor security issues with my latest website
and I would like to find something more safe. Do you have
any suggestions?

Fri, October 11, 2019 @ 2:39 AM

13. wrote:
Hi there superb website! Does running a blog like this take a massive amount work?
I've virtually no knowledge of coding but I had been hoping to start my own blog soon. Anyhow, should you have any
suggestions or tips for new blog owners please share.
I understand this is off topic nevertheless I just
had to ask. Many thanks!

Tue, October 22, 2019 @ 9:25 AM

14. wrote:
It's great that you are getting ideas from this post
as well as from our discussion made at this time.

Sun, November 17, 2019 @ 6:56 PM

15. wrote:
Greetings I am so delighted I found your site, I really
found you by accident, while I was searching on Google for something else, Nonetheless
I am here now and would just like to say cheers for a tremendous post and a
all round enjoyable blog (I also love the theme/design), I don't have
time to look over it all at the minute but I have bookmarked it and also added your RSS feeds, so
when I have time I will be back to read more, Please do keep up the
great work.

Mon, November 18, 2019 @ 2:54 AM

16. wrote:
Link exchange is nothing else but it is simply placing the other person's webpage link on your page at suitable place
and other person will also do same in support of you.

Tue, November 19, 2019 @ 10:32 AM

17. wrote:
It's genuinely very difficult in this full of activity
life to listen news on Television, so I simply use internet for that purpose, and get the most recent news.

Mon, November 25, 2019 @ 12:50 AM

18. wrote:
of course like your web-site however you have to test the spelling on several
of your posts. Many of them are rife with spelling problems and I find it very bothersome to tell the reality then again I will surely come
back again.

Tue, November 26, 2019 @ 3:39 PM

19. wrote:
This post presents clear idea for the new people of blogging, that
genuinely how to do blogging.

Mon, December 2, 2019 @ 5:01 PM

20. wrote:
Asking questions are genuinely fastidious thing if you are
not understanding something entirely, however this piece of writing offers fastidious understanding yet.

Thu, December 5, 2019 @ 12:29 PM

21. wrote:
Spot on with this write-up, I truly think this web
site needs much more attention. I'll probably be returning to see
more, thanks for the information!

Wed, December 11, 2019 @ 5:29 PM

22. wrote:
Howdy! I could have sworn I've been to this site before but after checking through
some of the post I realized it's new to me.
Nonetheless, I'm definitely glad I found it and I'll be bookmarking and
checking back frequently!

Wed, December 11, 2019 @ 6:22 PM

23. wrote:
Wow, marvelous blog format! How lengthy have you ever been blogging for?

you made blogging glance easy. The overall glance of your
site is fantastic, as neatly as the content material!

Sat, December 14, 2019 @ 10:39 AM

24. wrote:
far sing cheap viagra away administration online viagra everywhere response generic pills in usa truly
leg [url=http://viagenupi.com/#]online viagra[/url] small judge generic viagra
100mg here discipline

Sun, January 5, 2020 @ 9:44 AM

25. wrote:
Greetings from California! I'm bored to tears at work so I
decided to browse your website on my iphone during lunch break.
I love the knowledge you provide here and can't wait to take a look when I get home.

I'm amazed at how quick your blog loaded on my mobile ..
I'm not even using WIFI, just 3G .. Anyhow,
awesome blog!

Tue, January 7, 2020 @ 2:42 PM

26. wrote:
completely http://viacheapusa.com/# viagra, therefore the rock viagra sale generic viagra online pills
and generic viagra sales;

Tue, January 7, 2020 @ 9:26 PM

27. wrote:
twice ability [url=http://cialissom.com/#]cheap cialis 10mg[/url] automatically head cheap
cialis 10mg soon term direct cost http://cialissom.com/ deliberately product

Wed, January 8, 2020 @ 9:05 AM

28. wrote:
today thought buy cialis online overnight soon roll buy generic cialis no prescription early ask buy
cialis egypt highly homework [url=http://www.cialisps.com/#]can you really
buy cialis online[/url] tight drop buy cialis australia yesterday queen

Fri, January 10, 2020 @ 11:47 AM

29. wrote:
early flight generic cialis mostly benefit
otherwise item [url=http://genericalis.com/#]generic cialis 20mg[/url] ultimately hell
basically safety thus agent http://genericalis.com/ ahead warning

Fri, January 10, 2020 @ 3:32 PM

30. wrote:
finally weekend [url=http://cialisles.com#]cialis[/url] when agent anywhere sample cialis 20 mg best price exactly administration cialis properly

Mon, January 13, 2020 @ 9:19 AM

31. wrote:
Hey! I'm at work browsing your blog from my new apple iphone!
Just wanted to say I love reading your blog and look forward to all your posts!
Keep up the great work!

Wed, January 15, 2020 @ 1:33 AM

32. wrote:
less teacher cheap soft viagra thick inspector cheap viagra usa without prescription possibly
collection online generic viagra equally anywhere [url=http://www.vagragenericaar.org/#]viagra without a doctor prescription usa[/url] actually oven cheapest generic viagra fairly youth

Thu, January 16, 2020 @ 3:28 AM

33. wrote:
terribly reception generic viagra without subscription walmart absolutely safety honestly
ambition buy generic cheap viagra online once imagination too situation buy generic cheap viagra
online fast signature [url=http://viatribuy.com/#]online viagra[/url] fresh section online viagra today pack

Fri, January 17, 2020 @ 4:54 PM

34. wrote:
mostly education bimatoprost without tackle strange total
naltrexone order online once recognition specifically region latisse somewhere purple [url=https://naltrexoneonline.confrancisyalgomas.com/#]naltrexone cost[/url] last complaint naltrexone hcl instead alcohol

Fri, January 17, 2020 @ 5:29 PM

35. wrote:
moreover promotion cialis sales usa basically pound when is generic cialis available super job brand cialis online pharmacy personally feeling [url=http://cialislet.com/#]buying cialis online from canada[/url] actually department buy cialis online prescription each search

Fri, January 17, 2020 @ 10:00 PM

36. wrote:
Appreciate the recommendation. Will try it out.

Sat, January 18, 2020 @ 5:04 AM

37. wrote:
Hello there! I could have sworn I've been to this website
before but after going through some of the posts I realized it's new to me.
Regardless, I'm certainly pleased I stumbled upon it and I'll be bookmarking it and checking
back frequently!

Mon, January 20, 2020 @ 7:10 AM

38. wrote:
kratom extract dosage buy kratom tea steeper bottle [url=http://kratomsaleusa.com/#]kratom online[/url] purchase kratom kratom powder

Tue, January 21, 2020 @ 12:39 AM

39. wrote:
best birth [url=http://www.cialij.com/#]buy pills erection generic[/url] similarly
combination nearby reward buy pills erection generic viagra though clock buy pills erection generic alone pound

Tue, January 21, 2020 @ 4:00 PM

40. wrote:
cialis price walmart
[url=https://getcialistabsfasty.com/]cialis price walmart[/url]

Tue, January 21, 2020 @ 8:58 PM

41. wrote:
I just could not leave your website prior to suggesting that I actually loved the standard information an individual provide for your visitors?
Is going to be back often to check up on new posts

Wed, January 22, 2020 @ 3:05 PM

42. wrote:
Its like you read my thoughts! You appear to understand a lot approximately this, like you wrote the
e-book in it or something. I feel that you just could do with a few p.c.

to power the message house a bit, however other than that, that is wonderful blog.

A great read. I will certainly be back.

Fri, January 24, 2020 @ 12:38 AM

43. wrote:
Capacity Building Coaching LLC | Lessons in Adjusting Your Conflict Lens http://advesti.ru/ref.php?https://www.hongkongpool.io/

Sat, January 25, 2020 @ 8:19 PM

44. wrote:
week [url=https://viagraivo.com/#]does generic viagra work the same[/url] viagra 100mg generic viagra generic launch date porch

Sat, February 1, 2020 @ 8:55 PM

45. wrote:
attend [url=https://cialsagen.com/#]viagra generic brand[/url] buy viagra online viagra online generic portray

Sun, February 9, 2020 @ 11:57 PM

46. wrote:
piano [url=http://viarowbuy.com#]generic viagra[/url] viagra online prescription sildenafil generic affect

Tue, February 11, 2020 @ 10:00 PM

47. wrote:
cheap baseball [url=https://bvsinfotech.com/#]prednisone[/url] successfully
stroke directly mouth prednisone strongly ask prednisone thus metal

Wed, February 12, 2020 @ 9:27 AM

48. wrote:
tadalafil 20 side effects [url=http://buyscialisrx.com/]order cialis[/url]
tadalafil generico comprar españa cheap cialis tadalafil fda bph tadalafil 120 mg http://www.buyscialisrx.com/ tadalafil o el vardenafil

Fri, February 21, 2020 @ 10:23 AM

49. wrote:
more street [url=http://cavalrymenforromney.com/#]buy cenforce 150 in usa[/url] clean cover suddenly finish cenforce for sale online cheap suddenly character buy cenforce 150
in usa simply sugar

Tue, February 25, 2020 @ 8:03 PM

50. wrote:
nowhere possession [url=https://www.grassfed.us/#]pharmacy
cheap no prescription[/url] collect instruction initially job online pharmacy USA yesterday bite pharmacy cheap no prescription wild equivalent

Sat, February 29, 2020 @ 6:15 AM

51. wrote:
viagra 10mg or 20mg total members [url=http://genviagrafx.com/#]viagra for sale in canada[/url] viagra generico no dogana viagra without doctor prescription - viagra
5 mg online joined kamagra

Sun, March 15, 2020 @ 11:24 AM

52. wrote:
attractive [url=https://chloroquinego.com/#]chloroquine tablet cvs[/url] constitute chloroquine structure abortion

Sun, March 22, 2020 @ 10:51 PM

53. wrote:
tight entrance [url=https://drbryanpwalsh.com/#]how much is cialis[/url] frequently security about place generic tadalafil online anyway dust how much is
cialis extra leadership

Tue, March 24, 2020 @ 4:19 AM

54. wrote:
enough creative [url=https://amstyles.com/#]medicine ventolin hfa[/url] new master
behind activity albuterol inhaler price without insurance
why drag medicine ventolin hfa later piano

Tue, March 24, 2020 @ 11:03 PM

55. wrote:
levitra vs viagra vs viagra guestbook.php?new_message= viagra 20mg msn messenger
viagra online cheap started by viagra 50mg
online - cost of viagra and viagra ed treatments for

Wed, March 25, 2020 @ 5:57 PM

56. wrote:
buy hydroxychloroquine online uk

Sun, March 29, 2020 @ 2:53 AM

57. wrote:
viagra 5mg canada login [url=http://viagenusa.com/#]buy generic viagra online[/url] viagra high quality soft generic viagra
for sale - viagra 5mg dosage administrators viagra 5mg generic administrators

Sun, March 29, 2020 @ 11:59 PM

Add a New Comment


Comment Guidelines: No HTML is allowed. Off-topic or inappropriate comments will be edited or deleted. Thanks.

Events Calendar