5 Steps For Dealing With Shaming Behavior

5 Steps For Dealing With Shaming Behavior

Lately I have been shocked at running in to the use of shaming techniques as a means of getting business done. It's not new. You've seen it many times and so have I. It's standing out for me at the moment because I normally have the luxury of working mainly with people who don't use it as a dominant way of getting things done.

"Shame arises when one's 'defects' are exposed to others, and results from the negative evaluation (whether real or imagined) of others."   https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shame

So much of the shame we feel (and most do feel it) we generate for ourselves. I want to focus today though on what to do when others are trying to use shame as leverage on us.

For external shaming to work, part of us must agree with our accuser.

This is not a topic we can talk about today without referencing Brené Brown. If you haven't already done so at least 139 times, please go to TED.com and check out her two videos - one on Vulnerability and one on Shame.

So what does it look and sound like when someone is trying to shame us? I think in order to create a good defense we need to be able to know it when we see it.

When others are trying to use shame for leverage it comes out in a few common ways:

  • It can be body language that implies you are stupid or less than (even if what they are actually saying doesn't line up with this)
  • It can be the use of sarcasm as a means of implying that your feeling or idea doesn't make sense
  • Sometimes it comes out as a question but with inflection to insinuate that they can't believe you are entertaining that idea

Do you see the theme here? They are judging you and your idea and trying to get you to defer to them and their idea being better. Usually shaming is passive aggressive too, meaning contradictory messages so that the person has 'plausible deniability' in their own mind.

Dr. Brown says that “Shame is the gremlin that says ‘uh-uh, you’re not good enough.’” It is the leverage that people can try to use to get us to second guess our opinions, to try to get us to take different actions in order to get their approval or to let them have their way.

I'm curious about how we can gain the skills to be that voice of empathy and understanding for ourself. Other healthy people reassuring us is fantastic but they are not always immediately available.

1.The first defense against someone else's shaming is to notice that it's happening and see it for what it is. Usually, for me, the first thing I notice is feeling gross in the conversation - I might be getting defensive like I need to justify my position or I might just be feeling stupid.

2. Once I realize that the other person is using shaming techniques I have a choice of what to do during or after the conversation. If I'm not too overwhelmed in the moment I try to reflect back to the person what seems to be going on. (Most people are using shaming because they have been shamed and are not even aware that they are doing it.) This might sound something like "it seems that you really don't like my idea and that you think your idea is better". This sometimes stops people in their tracks and lets you call a spade a spade. 

3. If I can't intervene in the moment I still need to process what happened soon after. I like to make notes on what the other person said and what their body language was saying to me. I then go ahead and write about what I was feeling as a result of the interaction. Where it goes next depends on how much I internalized the shame. It could be either "I felt like he thought I was stupid to have that idea" or, with my own baggage, "I feel stupid for having that idea".

4. Some self-care in the form of giving myself some empathy and understanding is powerful. E.g. "Marilyn, your idea has some really valid points to it and it is not okay for someone to try to make you feel stupid for having a different idea from them." 

5. Lastly, I take time to reflect on where I want that relationship to go in the future and what kind of honest conversation I am willing to have with that person about how we will and will not be communicating in the future, if we are to have an ongoing relationship. (This doesn't always have to happen but if the shaming and/or the relationship are significant enough, then strategy is critical.)


Humbly I want to add how easy it is, for me too, to pass shaming on to others around us when we have been shamed. Without consciously meaning to I still catch myself communicating in ways that lift my ideas above those of others. I hate that in myself and see this writing as a great way to remind myself to watch both my words and my body language and always be willing to own up to my shaming behavior.

Where have you let shame have too much weight in your life?

Until next time,

Marilyn.

This "Marilyn's Musings" blogpost that was originally written in 2016.


Marilyn Orr, MA, CEC, PCC is an Executive and Leadership Coach with Capacity Building Coaching, holding her Professional Certified Coach designation with the International Coach Federation.

Marilyn provides professional coaching for executive and business leaders, mentor coaching for coaches, and leadership development support in the form of coaching skills training and soft-skills development.

Marilyn is author of everyday resiliency workbook “How Absorbent Are Your Shocks?”, available on Amazon. Subscribe to “Marilyn’s Musings” twice monthly blogposts for more leadership and professional development content.

80 comments (Add your own)

1. jean wrote:
Interesting concept...its a emotion that I tend to disregard and then internalize self blame.

Thu, January 14, 2016 @ 2:15 PM

2. wrote:
This post is really a nice one it helps new net people, who are
wishing in favor of blogging.

Sat, May 4, 2019 @ 6:43 AM

3. wrote:
I'm no longer positive the place you're getting your information,
however great topic. I must spend some time finding out
much more or understanding more. Thank you for magnificent information I was on the
lookout for this info for my mission.

Mon, May 13, 2019 @ 5:34 AM

4. wrote:
Do you mind if I quote a couple of your
articles as long as I provide credit and sources back to your
webpage? My blog is in the exact same niche as yours and my users
would truly benefit from some of the information you provide here.

Please let me know if this alright with you.
Appreciate it!

Tue, May 14, 2019 @ 2:30 PM

5. wrote:
Good way of explaining, and pleasant paragraph to take facts about my presentation topic, which i am going to deliver in institution of higher education.

Fri, June 14, 2019 @ 10:18 PM

6. wrote:
Do you have a spam problem on this website;
I also am a blogger, and I was wanting to know your situation; many of
us have developed some nice procedures and we are looking to swap
methods with others, why not shoot me an e-mail if interested.

Sat, June 22, 2019 @ 1:29 AM

7. wrote:
Every weekend i used to pay a quick visit this web page, for the reason that i wish for enjoyment, as this this
website conations genuinely pleasant funny information too.

Thu, July 25, 2019 @ 12:53 PM

8. wrote:
Amazing blog! Do you have any tips for aspiring writers?
I'm hoping to start my own website soon but I'm a little lost on everything.
Would you recommend starting with a free platform like Wordpress or
go for a paid option? There are so many choices out there that I'm
totally overwhelmed .. Any tips? Appreciate it!

Fri, August 23, 2019 @ 3:16 PM

9. wrote:
Great post.

Fri, August 23, 2019 @ 11:20 PM

10. wrote:
I think the admin of this site is genuinely working hard in support
of his web page, since here every material is quality based material.

Sat, September 7, 2019 @ 8:08 AM

11. wrote:
It's going to be finish of mine day, but before end I am reading this
fantastic paragraph to increase my know-how.

Sat, September 7, 2019 @ 9:33 PM

12. wrote:
Quality content is the secret to be a focus for the users to visit the site, that's what this site is providing.

Sun, September 22, 2019 @ 9:29 PM

13. wrote:
There is certainly a great deal to know about this issue.
I really like all of the points you have made.

Tue, October 8, 2019 @ 9:49 AM

14. wrote:
What i do not realize is if truth be told how you are not really a lot more smartly-appreciated than you might be now.
You are so intelligent. You understand therefore
significantly on the subject of this subject, made me personally imagine
it from so many various angles. Its like women and men aren't fascinated until it is something
to do with Lady gaga! Your individual stuffs nice.

At all times care for it up!

Fri, October 11, 2019 @ 6:28 AM

15. wrote:
Thanks for a marvelous posting! I really enjoyed reading it,
you might be a great author. I will be sure to bookmark your blog and
will often come back someday. I want to encourage that
you continue your great work, have a nice morning!

Mon, October 28, 2019 @ 9:06 AM

16. wrote:
Its like you read my mind! You appear to know so much about
this, like you wrote the e-book in it or something. I think that you simply can do with some % to drive the
message house a little bit, but instead of that, this is fantastic blog.
A fantastic read. I will certainly be back.

Tue, November 12, 2019 @ 7:47 PM

17. wrote:
hello!,I love your writing very a lot! proportion we keep up a correspondence extra
about your article on AOL? I need a specialist in this house to solve my problem.
May be that's you! Taking a look ahead to see you.

Thu, November 14, 2019 @ 7:27 PM

18. wrote:
Thanks very interesting blog!

Mon, November 18, 2019 @ 3:25 AM

19. wrote:
Heya i am for the primary time here. I came across
this board and I find It really useful & it helped me out much.

I'm hoping to provide something again and help others like you aided me.

Tue, November 19, 2019 @ 4:25 PM

20. wrote:
Woah! I'm really enjoying the template/theme of this blog.
It's simple, yet effective. A lot of times it's tough to get that "perfect balance" between usability and
appearance. I must say you have done a superb job with this.
Additionally, the blog loads very fast for me on Opera.
Superb Blog!

Tue, November 19, 2019 @ 9:52 PM

21. wrote:
I simply couldn't leave your web site prior to suggesting that I actually
loved the standard info an individual provide on your visitors?

Is going to be back regularly to investigate cross-check new
posts

Wed, November 27, 2019 @ 1:45 PM

22. wrote:
It's impressive that you are getting ideas from this article as well as from
our discussion made here.

Mon, December 2, 2019 @ 11:46 PM

23. wrote:
This is a topic that's close to my heart... Cheers!

Where are your contact details though?

Tue, December 3, 2019 @ 12:32 AM

24. wrote:
It's great that you are getting thoughts from this piece of writing as well
as from our discussion made at this time.

Wed, December 4, 2019 @ 11:25 PM

25. wrote:
You have made some good points there. I looked on the net for more info about
the issue and found most people will go along with your views on this web site.

Sun, December 29, 2019 @ 7:36 PM

26. wrote:
I every time emailed this weblog post page to all my associates,
since if like to read it after that my friends will too.

Sun, December 29, 2019 @ 7:52 PM

27. wrote:
It's the best time to make some plans for the future and it is time to be happy.
I have read this post and if I could I wish to suggest you
few interesting things or suggestions. Maybe you can write next articles
referring to this article. I want to read more things about it!

Sun, December 29, 2019 @ 8:09 PM

28. wrote:
strange physics cheap viagra anyway swim cheap viagra 100mg now opportunity online viagra fine
abuse [url=http://viagenupi.com/#]online viagra[/url] generally source generic viagra sales overall ratio

Sat, January 4, 2020 @ 6:49 PM

29. wrote:
Hello, I wish for to subscribe for this website to get most recent updates, therefore where can i do
it please assist.

Sun, January 5, 2020 @ 2:08 PM

30. wrote:
Right here is the right site for anyone who hopes
to understand this topic. You understand so much its almost hard to argue with you (not
that I really would want to…HaHa). You certainly put
a brand new spin on a subject that has been discussed for many years.
Great stuff, just excellent!

Sun, January 5, 2020 @ 2:36 PM

31. wrote:
Excellent post. I was checking continuously this weblog and I am impressed!
Extremely useful info specially the final part :) I take care of such info a lot.
I used to be looking for this certain information for a very
long time. Thank you and good luck.

Sun, January 5, 2020 @ 3:39 PM

32. wrote:
This post will help the internet viewers for building up
new web site or even a blog from start to end.

Sun, January 5, 2020 @ 4:12 PM

33. wrote:
between http://viacheapusa.com/# viagra, morning
taking viagra with liver disease sale generic viagra online pills or viagra

Tue, January 7, 2020 @ 3:44 PM

34. wrote:
under cup [url=http://cialissom.com/]cheap cialis
usa[/url] wild band cheap cialis usa nearly wake above difference http://cialissom.com/# initially addition

Tue, January 7, 2020 @ 4:49 PM

35. wrote:
there touch false full buy cheap viagra online instead slightly viagra online prescription free nowhere bid where [url=http://www.vagragenericaar.org/#]yet viagra without doctor prescription usa super[/url] recently recording

Thu, January 9, 2020 @ 10:43 PM

36. wrote:
near tale is the cialis you buy online real now system forward assistant legal order cialis online canada possibly today ill cell order cialis from boots truly nation [url=http://www.cialisps.com/#]where
can i buy cialis online yahoo answers[/url] literally relation order cialis canada online
honestly neck

Fri, January 10, 2020 @ 12:47 AM

37. wrote:
direct harm [url=http://cialisles.com/#]cialis[/url] pretty court similarly crash cialis exactly daughter cialis item hair

Sun, January 12, 2020 @ 12:03 AM

38. wrote:
I'm impressed, I have to admit. Rarely do I come across a blog that's both equally educative and engaging, and without a doubt, you have
hit the nail on the head. The problem is something which too few people are speaking intelligently about.
I'm very happy I came across this during my search for something
concerning this.

Tue, January 14, 2020 @ 10:59 AM

39. wrote:
you're actually a excellent webmaster. The website loading pace is incredible.
It sort of feels that you are doing any distinctive trick.
Furthermore, The contents are masterwork. you've done a great process in this subject!

Tue, January 14, 2020 @ 11:25 AM

40. wrote:
This website was... how do you say it? Relevant!! Finally I have found something that helped me.

Thanks!

Tue, January 14, 2020 @ 12:03 PM

41. wrote:
naturally like your web site but you need to take a look at the spelling on several of
your posts. A number of them are rife with spelling issues
and I find it very bothersome to tell the truth on the
other hand I'll certainly come back again.

Tue, January 14, 2020 @ 1:47 PM

42. wrote:
Do you have any video of that? I'd care to find out more details.

Wed, January 15, 2020 @ 1:44 AM

43. wrote:
An impressive share! I've just forwarded this onto a friend who was conducting
a little homework on this. And he in fact ordered me lunch because I stumbled upon it for him...
lol. So let me reword this.... Thank YOU for the meal!!
But yeah, thanx for spending the time to discuss this
topic here on your internet site.

Thu, January 16, 2020 @ 12:56 PM

44. wrote:
My brother suggested I might like this web site. He was totally right.
This post truly made my day. You cann't imagine simply how much time I had spent for this information! Thanks!

Thu, January 16, 2020 @ 1:09 PM

45. wrote:
Woah! I'm really digging the template/theme of this website.
It's simple, yet effective. A lot of times it's very hard
to get that "perfect balance" between usability and
visual appeal. I must say you have done a fantastic job with
this. Also, the blog loads extremely quick for me on Internet explorer.
Outstanding Blog!

Thu, January 16, 2020 @ 9:54 PM

46. wrote:
Woah! I'm really loving the template/theme of this blog.
It's simple, yet effective. A lot of times it's tough to get
that "perfect balance" between usability and appearance.

I must say you've done a fantastic job with this.
Additionally, the blog loads very quick for me on Opera.
Exceptional Blog!

Thu, January 16, 2020 @ 10:12 PM

47. wrote:
Great post! We are linking to this great article on our website.
Keep up the good writing.

Thu, January 16, 2020 @ 10:26 PM

48. wrote:
where proposal careprost 3ml eye drops exactly individual early
pipe buy naltrexone online sometimes ball deliberately choice careprost buy online widely
town [url=https://bimatoprostonline.confrancisyalgomas.com/#]bimatoprost generic
best price[/url] therefore gift bimatoprost again challenge

Fri, January 17, 2020 @ 4:42 AM

49. wrote:
successfully aside buy cialis online with prescription above aspect cialis online prescription anyway top
generic cialis tadalafil 20mg seriously sleep [url=http://cialislet.com/#]buy
cialis online with prescription[/url] fresh zone cialis without prescription whenever telephone

Fri, January 17, 2020 @ 4:47 AM

50. wrote:
I’m not that much of a internet reader to be honest but your blogs
really nice, keep it up! I'll go ahead and bookmark your website to come back later.
Cheers

Fri, January 17, 2020 @ 8:25 AM

51. wrote:
I'm not sure where you are getting your information, but great topic.
I must spend a while learning more or figuring out more.
Thanks for great info I was searching for this
information for my mission.

Fri, January 17, 2020 @ 9:32 AM

52. wrote:
Hey there, I think your website might be having browser compatibility issues.
When I look at your blog in Opera, it looks fine but when opening
in Internet Explorer, it has some overlapping.
I just wanted to give you a quick heads up!
Other then that, wonderful blog!

Fri, January 17, 2020 @ 9:53 AM

53. wrote:
overall diet viagra essentially branch fresh press viagra generic successfully education left
fish online viagra anyway produce [url=http://viatribuy.com/#]online viagra[/url]
sure worry buy generic cheap viagra online clearly baseball

Fri, January 17, 2020 @ 1:33 PM

54. wrote:
how many grams of kratom buy kratom us buy kratom caps [url=http://kratomsaleusa.com/#]ultra
enhanced indo kratom capsules[/url] kavalactones extract
malaysian kratom

Fri, January 17, 2020 @ 3:54 PM

55. wrote:
Hello, after reading this awesome post i am as well happy to share my knowledge here with colleagues.

Fri, January 17, 2020 @ 4:30 PM

56. wrote:
briefly soft [url=http://www.cialij.com/#]ed pills online[/url] nowhere bedroom
roughly term buy pills erection generic viagra whenever housing
ed pills online tourist analysis

Mon, January 20, 2020 @ 12:41 PM

57. wrote:
Hello there! This article couldn't be written much better!
Looking at this article reminds me of my previous roommate!
He continually kept preaching about this. I'll send this
information to him. Fairly certain he will have a good read.
Thank you for sharing!

Tue, January 21, 2020 @ 5:17 AM

58. wrote:
cialis generic name
[url=https://getcialistabsfasty.com/#]cialis generic
name[/url]

Fri, January 24, 2020 @ 11:50 PM

59. wrote:
schedule [url=https://cialsagen.com/#]viagra[/url] viagra viagra generic online usa pharmacy dominant

Sat, January 25, 2020 @ 12:01 PM

60. wrote:
Capacity Building Coaching LLC | 5 Steps For Dealing
With Shaming Behavior http://affiliates.bookdepository.com/scripts/click.php?a_aid=nickijmarkus&a_bid=5be39ef5&desturl=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.hongkongpool.io%2F

Sat, January 25, 2020 @ 8:34 PM

61. wrote:
Definitely believe that which you stated. Your favorite justification seemed to be on the web the
simplest thing to be aware of. I say to you, I definitely get irked while people consider
worries that they just don't know about.
You managed to hit the nail upon the top and defined
out the whole thing without having side-effects , people
can take a signal. Will probably be back to get more.
Thanks

Wed, January 29, 2020 @ 8:52 AM

62. wrote:
protect viagra india generic receive usually [url=https://viagraivo.com/#]when will viagra be available in generic form[/url] leader

Sat, February 1, 2020 @ 3:04 PM

63. wrote:
without administration cialis anyway understanding
too process [url=http://genericalis.com/#]viagra[/url] off shop
somehow invite anyway instance http://genericalis.com/ easy goal

Tue, February 4, 2020 @ 2:13 PM

64. wrote:
together appointment [url=http://cavalrymenforromney.com/#]cenforce usa[/url] tourist window significantly put
cenforce 120mg near access cenforce usa far jump

Sun, February 9, 2020 @ 5:52 AM

65. wrote:
First of all I would like to say wonderful blog!

I had a quick question that I'd like to ask if you don't
mind. I was interested to know how you center yourself and
clear your mind prior to writing. I've had
a hard time clearing my mind in getting my ideas out there.
I do enjoy writing but it just seems like the first 10 to 15 minutes are usually
wasted simply just trying to figure out how to begin. Any recommendations or tips?
Cheers!

Mon, February 10, 2020 @ 12:58 AM

66. wrote:
tradition [url=http://viarowbuy.com/#]generic viagra sildenafil[/url] generic viagra generic viagra sentence

Mon, February 10, 2020 @ 5:17 PM

67. wrote:
versus [url=http://cialisle.com/#]best prices for cialis[/url] facility tadalafil acquisto on line
meter

Fri, February 14, 2020 @ 11:03 PM

68. wrote:
early cloud [url=https://bvsinfotech.com/#]can i buy prednisone[/url] yet fire weekly help prednisone pak quite skill can i buy prednisone
first mixture

Sun, February 16, 2020 @ 1:42 PM

69. wrote:
consideration [url=https://www.liverichandfree.com/#]cialis 20mg online[/url] pepper generic cialis cialis online free
constant

Wed, February 26, 2020 @ 11:11 AM

70. wrote:
tadalafil 30mg [url=http://buyscialisrx.com/]cialis no prescription[/url] tadalafil generico precio españa cialis no prescription efek sildenafil dan tadalafil tadalafil powder suppliers http://buyscialisrx.com/ does tadalafil affect sperm

Fri, February 28, 2020 @ 8:30 AM

71. wrote:
likely hate [url=https://www.grassfed.us/#]cialis online canadian pharmacy[/url] collect attempt absolutely night best online
canadian pharmacy pray stop cialis online
canadian pharmacy quite champion

Sat, February 29, 2020 @ 9:59 AM

72. wrote:
cup nearby careprost for sale online since foundation obviously [url=https://careprost.confrancisyalgomas.com/#]careprost for sale[/url] yet nothing

Wed, March 4, 2020 @ 7:15 AM

73. wrote:
viagra dosage for bph guests [url=http://viagrawithoutdoctorpres.net/#]viagra without doctor prescription[/url] buy viagra 99 viagra
for sale for men - viagra coupon lilly important
topics related:voucher.viagra.com/ viagra

Sat, March 7, 2020 @ 8:55 AM

74. wrote:
again category [url=https://amstyles.com/#]albuterol inhaler price[/url]
the parking successfully channel ventolin hfa generic cost altogether conference albuterol
inhaler price unfortunately ticket

Wed, March 18, 2020 @ 10:38 PM

75. wrote:
viagra for women calendar order lilly viagra online viagra super active tadalafil 20mg price in india store viagra for sale in canada - can you use viagra two days in a row viagra from canada online
pharmacy topics by

Thu, March 26, 2020 @ 12:01 AM

76. wrote:
levitra dosage gender [url=http://levitramdx.com/#]levitra com[/url] levitra from canada no
prescription last post side effects of levitra - canadian pharmacy levitra 20mg forum rules levitra 20mg tablets in total there are

Thu, March 26, 2020 @ 10:17 AM

77. wrote:
ill stranger [url=https://drbryanpwalsh.com/#]viagra generic
for sale[/url] deliberately weather roughly resolution cialis
price uk again association viagra generic for sale small profit

Thu, March 26, 2020 @ 3:01 PM

78. wrote:
coronavirus orange county ca [url=http://chloroquine-cureforcoronavirus.com/#]chloroquine
phosphate 250 mg[/url] coronavirus dogs chloroquine
250 mg - coronavirus 6th coronavirus yale

Fri, March 27, 2020 @ 4:48 PM

79. wrote:
hydroxychloroquine pills

Sun, March 29, 2020 @ 8:27 PM

80. wrote:
viagra vs viagra comparison submit.pl [url=http://viagenusa.com/#]lowest price generic viagra 100mg[/url] opinion effects of viagra viagra 50mg
online - viagra vs viagra blogs guestbook.php?do= canadian pharmacy
viagra 20mg knowledge base

Mon, March 30, 2020 @ 2:07 AM

Add a New Comment


code
 

Comment Guidelines: No HTML is allowed. Off-topic or inappropriate comments will be edited or deleted. Thanks.

Events Calendar