The Aftermath of Childhood

The Aftermath of Childhood

Growing up there was one person who got to get angry in my family. Dad. He did not have skills for self-management, communication or stress-reduction so his anger translated to outbursts of rage. 

My Dad is gone so why is this relevant now? 

Many of us have grown up with a parent who raged or have been in an adult relationship with someone who rages. Perhaps you are that person. I want us to consider some of the common long-term impacts. Sometimes simply connecting the dots between old experiences and current ones can bring us both insight and freedom. 

There are many ways to react to rage - it can trigger your own rage or it can shut you down. My path was the latter so that’s what I will share on today. I know I’m to alone. 

So, a parent rages and what does the child do? The child interprets the anger as accurate, at least when younger and owns both unrealistic responsibility and blame for the anger occurring or a belief that maybe somehow they could have prevented this angry outburst. We call that magical thinking in ‘psychobabble’.  

What develops? An adult who really wrestles with people pleasing. An adult that has a hard time knowing and/or expressing their own opinion. Because we grew up with an adult that was lacking in emotional intelligence we grew up with a parent we couldn’t adequately please. We could never make them happy enough. We owned a false belief that if we were sweet enough, quiet enough, smart enough, skinny enough, funny enough, etc. that they would not be so angry - that they would like us and love us better. 

Since that need to be loved unconditionally did not get met we end up still looking for approval, often in authority figures in our lives. It is harder to be assertive. It’s hard to disagree with someone who has authority. It can really be traumatic when someone gets mad at us or isn’t happy with our performance. 

The tricky part is in the childhood logic that gets seared into our thinking. We thought we were responsible for the happiness and well-being of another human being. They helped to teach us that because they did not know how to find peace and happiness. They likely blamed you and every other person in your family for things that they should have taken ownership for. 

 

Even though our head tells us differently as adults that faulty thinking is lodged so deep we are often acting without awareness of its influence. We are vulnerable to people in authority who have the matched set. They too are looking for approval, to be respected, have their egos stroked and, sometimes, simply want power. There is a magnetic pull here but it’s not healthy. It keeps the unhealthy pattern going for both parties. At the extreme, this is a formula for abusive life partnerships. 

So, what is the answer? How does the freedom come?  

The very act of being more conscious of the pattern is progress.  

* Take time to journal about how you learned the pattern that you now see as an adult.  

* Find a professional to talk to about the pattern and unpack the origin so that it loses its power. 

* Notice where the discrepancies are between how you’d like to function (at work, in relationships) and how you actually do. 

* Start with ‘baby steps’ towards showing up more boldly. 

* If you find yourself currently in a relationship with someone who expresses anger in ways that are scary - get some professional help!!! 

* If you are that person who expresses anger in ways that create fear and shame in others - get some professional help!!! 

There are very few people in this world who grew up with healthy examples of adults communicating their anger in non-destructive ways. Let’s all work to change that for the next generation!!! 

Until next week, 

Marilyn 

16 comments (Add your own)

1. Tina wrote:
I'm not clear on what you mean by this, "We are vulnerable to people in authority who have the matched set." Can you elaborate, please?

Tue, September 6, 2016 @ 9:06 AM

2. AustRona wrote:
Clomiphene Citrate 50 Mg For Men Dosage Amoxicillin Bacterial Infection Cat Cephalexin Side Effect cialis Cialis Generika Ajanta Generique Sildenafil 40 Mg Viagra Pas Cher Payement Securise

Sat, April 27, 2019 @ 3:24 AM

3. wrote:
When someone writes an post he/she keeps the plan of a user
in his/her mind that how a user can be aware of it.
Thus that's why this paragraph is outstdanding.
Thanks!

Fri, May 10, 2019 @ 8:28 PM

4. wrote:
Good post. I learn something totally new and challenging
on blogs I stumbleupon every day. It will always be interesting to read
content from other writers and practice a little something from other websites.

Mon, May 13, 2019 @ 5:02 PM

5. wrote:
Have you ever considered writing an e-book or guest authoring
on other sites? I have a blog based upon on the same information you discuss
and would really like to have you share some stories/information. I know my audience would enjoy your work.
If you're even remotely interested, feel free to
send me an e-mail.

Tue, May 14, 2019 @ 8:15 PM

6. wrote:
I've been browsing on-line greater than three hours
these days, but I never found any fascinating article like yours.
It is beautiful value sufficient for me. In my view, if all website owners and bloggers
made excellent content as you probably did, the net will likely be much more helpful than ever before.

Sat, June 8, 2019 @ 12:30 AM

7. wrote:
Hi, of course this post is in fact nice and I have learned lot of things from it concerning blogging.
thanks.

Wed, July 10, 2019 @ 10:16 PM

8. wrote:
I'm really loving the theme/design of your site.

Do you ever run into any browser compatibility problems?
A couple of my blog visitors have complained about my site not operating correctly in Explorer but looks great
in Firefox. Do you have any suggestions to help fix this
problem?

Tue, July 16, 2019 @ 2:16 AM

9. wrote:
When I originally commented I clicked the "Notify me when new comments are added" checkbox and now each time a comment is added I get four emails with the same comment.

Is there any way you can remove people from that service?
Appreciate it!

Thu, July 18, 2019 @ 5:41 AM

10. wrote:
It's a pity you don't have a donate button! I'd definitely donate
to this excellent blog! I suppose for now i'll settle
for bookmarking and adding your RSS feed to my Google account.
I look forward to fresh updates and will share this website with
my Facebook group. Talk soon!

Fri, August 23, 2019 @ 8:57 PM

11. wrote:
Heya just wanted to give you a quick heads up and let you know
a few of the pictures aren't loading correctly. I'm not sure why
but I think its a linking issue. I've tried it in two different browsers and both show the same
results.

Fri, October 11, 2019 @ 5:34 AM

12. wrote:
whoah this weblog is excellent i love studying your posts.
Keep up the great work! You recognize, many individuals are searching round for this information, you could aid them greatly.

Sat, November 9, 2019 @ 12:11 PM

13. wrote:
Hi there colleagues, its fantastic paragraph about cultureand completely explained,
keep it up all the time.

Mon, November 18, 2019 @ 6:31 AM

14. wrote:
Wow, this paragraph is fastidious, my sister is analyzing these kinds of things, therefore I am going to inform her.

Mon, November 25, 2019 @ 3:51 AM

15. wrote:
Hi there Dear, are you genuinely visiting this
web page daily, if so after that you will definitely
obtain fastidious experience.

Thu, November 28, 2019 @ 11:33 PM

16. wrote:
Heya i'm for the first time here. I found this board and I find It truly useful & it
helped me out much. I hope to give something back and aid others
like you helped me.

Sun, December 1, 2019 @ 12:32 AM

Add a New Comment


code
 

Comment Guidelines: No HTML is allowed. Off-topic or inappropriate comments will be edited or deleted. Thanks.

Events Calendar