Yes, this is a diversion from my normal topics but, believe it or not still in line with my normal themes around emotional intelligence.
My mother did not do well giving me “the talk”. I did not do well listening to her try. She did, however, buy me a book called “Sex Begins in the Kitchen”. At the time I found the content quite disappointing but older wiser me understands the wisdom.
If you want a better sex life with your partner the under-explored dynamics of how well you are relating to each other is likely much more important than some new technique, clothing or toy.
Natural Way #1 - Don’t minimize stuff your partner does that bothers you.
When we try to pretend to ourselves and/or our partner that all is well, that something that hurt isn’t big enough to talk about then we lay down a couple of bricks between us. We pull back a little emotionally and feel a little less safe.
The greatest sex comes with the greatest whole-person vulnerability. Processing our anger with our partner also causes us to focus on our uniqueness and what we bring to the relationship. Marriage and Family psychologist Dr. David Schnarch puts it this way in “Passionate Marriage”:
“The part that needs to grow is the part that learns how to ‘digest’ anger - metabolize it, break it down to fuel something useful and life-giving.”
If you want this kind of discussion to end well and boost your love-life then it will also help to learn some conflict and listening skills for these tough discussions.
Natural Way #2 - Spend time together having fun.
If you expect to live a separate life from your partner but think that they will still want to have sex, good luck. This may last for a little but the truth is that great on-going sexual relationships come out of great connections. Sex is best as a physical expression of an amazing connection, not a replacement for a lack of connection. Not as merely a physical need. Taking time to know what gives your partner pleasure outside of the bedroom will truly help you communicate and enjoy your time in the bedroom much more!
Knowing and understanding your partner both emotionally and intellectually will open doors for you to connect to each other more holistically, sexually allowing for a much richer experience. Here is a great Dr. Ruth quote:
Natural Way #3 - Talk dirty.
Yup. When you are not in a setting or at a time when you can be sexual is a fantastic time to talk about your sex life. This does a couple of things other than the obvious turn-on effect. It lets you tell each other what you really like at a time when there is no pressure. It allows you to talk about some fantasies that you might feel too shy about acting out but let's you "test drive them" with your partner in a theoretical setting. It can also let you tell each other what you don't like before it happens again. Telling your partner what you don't enjoy while it's happening can be a real mood-killer.
So, you know I'm going to ask you questions ...
What things do you need to talk about with your partner to clear the way for a better love life?
What would you like more or (less of) with your partner in the bedroom?
What questions do you want to ask your partner to be a better lover for them?
I'll leave you with this quote and this thought. In order to get to a healthy sex life you will need abundant measures of the first 4 ingredients.
Posted on Wed, May 11, 2016
by Marilyn Orr filed under