Based on questions and feedback from some of you, today’s blog is about the process of growing and healing. We will, obviously, just be touching the tip of the iceberg.
There are a number of components that make up the healing process. Based on your personality and your comfort level some paths in will be more appealing to you than others.
In Psychology we used to talk about the 3 legs to the stool. Emotions, cognitions and behaviors. Over the years there have been many theories about the most effective way to bring about lasting change in our lives.
Eventually though, for lasting change we are impacted on multiple levels. Have a look at this iceberg model.
If you are wanting to practice new behaviors but can’t seem to just make them happen, a deeper dive may be helpful.
Our thinking is skewed. It was formed earlier in our life and often through traumatic or painful events. The thinking we have is just normal to us. It is how we have seen the world, perhaps for most of our life. We don’t know it is “off” until we notice a pattern or an inability to change that we don’t like.
One fantastic way to discover the skewed thinking, false beliefs or lies, is to tap in to emotionally-laden memories. Memories that trigger pain, anger, etc. are usually memories where we established conclusions - about ourself, about the world, about how worthy of love we are, etc.
If we think we can be totally healed just by changing our thinking though, we are wrong. For thorough healing to happen feeling some uncomfortable, vulnerable emotions - pain, anger, shame, etc. will be part of the process.
Time for an example. My process of learning to have more fun was connected to some faulty thinking. I concluded that I was liked and people wanted me around because I could be depended on and could get things done. People do like those things about me but that is not why they like me. I am worthy of love and belonging (yes, you are hearing Brené Brown here). My new correct thinking is that I am loved as a whole person, not just for what I do for others. Also that the relationships I truly value are with people that love me unconditionally.
With those realizations came some painful memories of realizing how many times I tried to get love by being what I thought someone else wanted me to be. I had some memories that caused me sadness at how I had not been real and as a result had not let myself be loved for who I really am.
Only when I am fully real and honest in a relationship am I really being loved.
I need to be loved. You need to be loved, for who you really are.
Here is some great advice from Brené Brown:
“I carry a small sheet of paper in my wallet that has written on it the names of people whose opinions of me matter. To be on that list, you have to love me for my strengths and struggles. You have to know that I’m trying to be Wholehearted, but I still cuss too much, flip people off under the steering wheel, and have both Lawrence Welk and Metallica on my iPod.”
Who is on your small sheet of paper? Who has been on that needs to come off that list?
Once we have determined what the healthy thinking is we need to practice it. We need to create new pathways for our brain. With the new thinking are new emotions. With these adjustments in place we can try new behaviors and see what happens. Often these new behaviors are scary and we may need support trying them out and noticing the results. (Some of our old relationships may make new behaviors hard. People react to us ‘changing the rules’. )
Where do you want to start?
What new behaviors do you want to see in your life?
What supports can help you identify faulty thinking?
Posted on Thu, October 15, 2015
by Marilyn Orr filed under